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In a Tiny Buddha essay, psychotherapist and author Steve Hauptman argues that people cannot meet every competing demand at once and that choices carry trade-offs. He describes learning to see unfinished tasks as the cost of a choice, rather than proof of failure, including during an unexpected hospital visit.
Psychotherapist and author Steve Hauptman argues in a Tiny Buddha essay that people cannot get every part of life right at once, describing how he has learned to treat competing priorities as trade-offs rather than personal failures. The piece draws on his own work, family and health experiences to make a personal case for accepting limits instead of trying to control every outcome.
Hauptman compares life to a Rubik’s Cube: concentrating on one side can leave the others scrambled. In his examples, time spent seeing clients or doing household chores is time not spent with family or writing a book. He also describes wanting to earn money while resting and playing, and wanting to enjoy particular foods while losing weight. He presents these tensions as part of his own experience, not as a claim that every person faces the same choices.
The essay’s central idea is that every “yes” contains a “no.” Hauptman writes that a productive day of writing may mean chores remain undone, while a day devoted to chores may leave no time for the book. He says he used to read those unfinished tasks as evidence that he had failed. He is now trying to see them instead as reminders that he made a choice and that the choice had a cost.
Hauptman gives examples of people who, in his account, gained control in one area while losing it in another: a drinker using alcohol to manage feelings, an executive succeeding at work while becoming estranged from family, and a parent focused on children while becoming disconnected from a spouse. These are illustrative examples in the essay; it does not provide research or case details to establish how common such outcomes are.
The Cost of Competing Priorities
The essay speaks to the pressure to keep work, relationships, health and household responsibilities all on track. Hauptman’s point is not that these priorities do not matter, but that trying to satisfy all of them at once can turn ordinary limits into a sense of failure. His framing offers readers a way to understand an unfinished task as a consequence of choosing something else, rather than automatic proof of poor judgment.
That argument is personal reflection, not clinical guidance or a tested intervention. Hauptman identifies himself as a psychotherapist and describes what has changed in his own outlook. The essay does not present evidence that accepting trade-offs will resolve addiction, depression or relationship problems, and its examples should not be read as diagnoses.
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Hauptman’s Control Metaphor
Hauptman says he considers himself a “control addict,” using the phrase to describe a human desire to make circumstances, people and outcomes conform to expectations. He lays out three paradoxes from his own thinking: needing control can make a person feel less in control; attempts to control others can prompt them to push back; and gaining control in one area can require giving it up elsewhere.
The essay is connected to Hauptman’s book, Monkeytraps: Why We Try to Control Everything and How We Can Stop, published in 2015. The source identifies him as a licensed clinical social worker and says his writing explores control, emotional safety and relationships. Its main evidence is his own account, rather than a new study or formal report.
““Inside every ‘yes’ there’s a ‘no.’””
— Steve Hauptman, in the Tiny Buddha essay
Limits of a Personal Essay
The source is a first-person essay, not a reported study. It does not give a publication date in the supplied material, identify independent research supporting its broader observations, or establish how widely readers share the experiences Hauptman describes. The examples involving addiction, depression and family strain are presented without case histories or clinical findings.
Hauptman also recounts a cardiogram finding a “blip” that his doctor said suggested a possible transient ischemic attack, or TIA. He says he was sent to an emergency department, underwent tests and waited in a hallway, but the essay does not report the test results or confirm that he had a TIA. It describes an episode in his own life, not medical advice.
No Further Development Reported
The supplied source reports no announced follow-up to the essay or next event tied to it. Hauptman mentions that a revised edition of his book was forthcoming when the source material was written, but provides no publication date or status. Readers would need a later statement from the author or publisher to confirm whether that edition was released.
For now, the development is the essay itself: Hauptman’s account of shifting from judging every unmet demand as failure to recognizing the trade-offs behind daily choices. No further medical outcome from his hospital visit is given in the source.
Key Questions
What is Steve Hauptman’s main point?
He argues that people cannot meet every competing demand at once, and that choosing one priority can mean setting another aside. He says he is learning to view that as a trade-off rather than proof of failure.
Is the essay based on a new study?
No. The supplied material is a personal essay published on Tiny Buddha. It does not report a study or provide research data for Hauptman’s broader observations.
Did Hauptman have a confirmed TIA?
The essay does not say that he did. He reports that a cardiogram showed a blip suggesting a possible TIA and that he went to the emergency department for tests, but the results are not provided.
What does Hauptman mean by control?
He uses “control” to describe the desire to make people, situations and outcomes conform to expectations. His use of “control addict” is his own framing in the essay, not a diagnosis reported in the source.
Source: rss
